our dream 12 month kadoma calendar

By Carl Joshua Ncube

Listen, people think I’m crazy because I moved to Kadoma. They see the dust, the gold mines, and the “Grand Hotel” vibes and think, “Carl, have you finally lost your last marble?” But I don’t see a sleepy town; I see a metropolis of businesses, an organised community and lots of potential.

I have a dream. A dream where Kadoma isn’t just a pitstop on the way to Bulawayo, but the undisputed event capital of Zimbabwe. I’m talking 12 major events. One for every month, plus a December so big it needs its own zip code.

Here is my “Visit Kadoma” fantasy calendar. Pack your bags; we’re going to the City of Gold.

*January: The Rural Expo*

Forget the fancy skyscrapers. January is about going back to the source. We’re turning the outskirts of Kadoma into a high-end showcase of modern rural living. Think solar-powered boreholes meets artisan pottery. It’s where the “musha” gets a glow-up. We’ll have workshops on how to grow organic kale while looking fabulous in a designer overalls.

*February: The Couples Retreat*

Kadoma is hot, and I’m not just talking about the temperature. For February, we’re turning the whole town into a “Do Not Disturb” sign. We’ll have sunset dinners overlooking the dams and “make-up or break-up” comedy sessions. It’s the ultimate weekend for couples to reconnect, mostly because there’s nowhere else to go, so you have to talk to each other.

*March: Spring Camp*

I know, I know—Spring in March? In Kadoma, we make our own seasons. This is for the kids and the “kids at heart.” We’re setting up massive tents, outdoor obstacle courses, and stargazing sessions. It’s about getting off the iPad and getting some Kadoma red soil under your fingernails.

*April: The Mining Expo*

We are a mining town, so let’s lean into it! But let’s make it sexy. I want a “Best Dressed Miner” runway walk. Aside from the heavy machinery and the gold talk, we’ll have “Panning for Beginners” (where I’ll probably just hide chocolate coins in the sand) and deep-dive tech talks on the future of the Great Dyke.

*May: The Wine Festival*

Who says you need a Cape Town vineyard to sip Chenin? We’re bringing the best grapes to the dust. Imagine long tables set up in the middle of a cleared field, white linen, and local cheeses, all paired with the finest wines. It’s sophisticated, it’s bougie, and it’s slightly ironic—which is exactly my brand.

*June: Kadoma Open Golf Tournament*

The greens are ready, and my swing is… questionable. But the event will be legendary. We’re inviting the pros and the “I just want the polo shirt” amateurs. It’s 18 holes of networking, followed by a 19th hole comedy roast of whoever hit their ball into the bushes the most.

*July: Nyama YekuGocha Braai Festival*

July is cold, so we need fire. Lots of it. We’re aiming for a cloud of smoke so big you can see it from space. Every cut of meat imaginable, marinated in secret Kadoma spices, served with the kind of sadza that makes you want to call your mother and apologize for ever leaving home.

*August: Soccer Fest & Soccer Academy*

August is for the future legends. We’re hosting a massive tournament for the scouts to find the next big star. While the kids are training at the academy, the rest of us will be in the stands eating pies and shouting tactical advice like we actually know what a 4-4-2 formation is.

*September: The Glamping Festival*

September is when the weather starts to flirt with “scorching.” We’re doing luxury camping—Glamping. I want air-conditioned tents, Egyptian cotton sheets in the bush, and a private chef making pancakes over a campfire. It’s “roughing it” for people who hate roughing it.

*October: The Film Festival*

Kadoma goes Hollywood. We’ll project local and international films onto the side of old mine shafts and grain silos. Red carpets in the dust, popcorn seasoned with biltong shavings, and a category for “Best Documentary about why Kadoma is better than Harare.”

*November: Tour de Great Dyke*

A mountain bike race that separates the pros from the people who bought a bike during lockdown and never rode it. It’s a grueling, beautiful trek through the rugged terrain of the Dyke. I’ll be at the finish line with a megaphone, mocking your spandex.

*December: The Kadoma Fest*

This is it. The Big One. The Grand Finale. The Kadoma is a multi-day explosion of music, arts, street food, and pure Zimbabwean joy. It’s the homecoming. It’s the party that makes the rest of the year look like a library study session. If you aren’t in Kadoma in December, did you even have a December?